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second_bananaUmmm... Hi.
So I dropped off the face of the planet internetwise for a while. I've been around. Been reading like crazy, but Big Things were happening that I just couldn't deal with in front of an audience and couldn't post updates without hellacious work arounds.
I've been fighting some major ups and downs with depression and disordered eating. Mostly downs, but some really nice is quiet ups in the last year and a half. I had a very kind sweetheart. I had the nicest, gentlest break-up in the history of break-ups with said sweetheart and learned some lessons there that I really needed to learn.
I realized that I haven't talked to anyone from high school in over a year now. And I had only been talking to one person for years before that. I talk to two from college. Neither regularly. I'm embarrassed about who I used to be. I *know* I've changed. Isolation and self absorption tainted everything about who I was in high school. Depression and mistrust colored college. I have no idea how people from my past saw me because my perception was (and to some extent still is) colored by that twisted fuck of a thought process that comes from depression.
Depression *sucks.*
But, you know, I'm getting better. I'm trying harder. And you know what? Things are looking up. I know there are a few of you who probably wondered what happened to me when I fell off the face of the planet. Well, there was the loved and lost thing, I kept going to midwifery school, I moved a few times, and I wished I was at a good place in my life to have a cat. (I fell head over heels in cat love with a housemates cat and got to cat-sit her for a few months while her parent was in Hawaii. This cat was the bomb, ya'll. I miss her.)
The big news though? I got a midwifery apprenticeship. I'm about to start 18 months at Bella Vie birth center down near Salem, Oregon. Happy news! I'll be living with my folks (it's fine, we get along pretty well now that I'm not a teenager) in exchange for housekeeping, and really truely following my calling to help folks bring new folks into the world. Very very good news indeed!
Much love to all of you, and many apologies for those I left without a word. *shameface*
So I dropped off the face of the planet internetwise for a while. I've been around. Been reading like crazy, but Big Things were happening that I just couldn't deal with in front of an audience and couldn't post updates without hellacious work arounds.
I've been fighting some major ups and downs with depression and disordered eating. Mostly downs, but some really nice is quiet ups in the last year and a half. I had a very kind sweetheart. I had the nicest, gentlest break-up in the history of break-ups with said sweetheart and learned some lessons there that I really needed to learn.
I realized that I haven't talked to anyone from high school in over a year now. And I had only been talking to one person for years before that. I talk to two from college. Neither regularly. I'm embarrassed about who I used to be. I *know* I've changed. Isolation and self absorption tainted everything about who I was in high school. Depression and mistrust colored college. I have no idea how people from my past saw me because my perception was (and to some extent still is) colored by that twisted fuck of a thought process that comes from depression.
Depression *sucks.*
But, you know, I'm getting better. I'm trying harder. And you know what? Things are looking up. I know there are a few of you who probably wondered what happened to me when I fell off the face of the planet. Well, there was the loved and lost thing, I kept going to midwifery school, I moved a few times, and I wished I was at a good place in my life to have a cat. (I fell head over heels in cat love with a housemates cat and got to cat-sit her for a few months while her parent was in Hawaii. This cat was the bomb, ya'll. I miss her.)
The big news though? I got a midwifery apprenticeship. I'm about to start 18 months at Bella Vie birth center down near Salem, Oregon. Happy news! I'll be living with my folks (it's fine, we get along pretty well now that I'm not a teenager) in exchange for housekeeping, and really truely following my calling to help folks bring new folks into the world. Very very good news indeed!
Much love to all of you, and many apologies for those I left without a word. *shameface*
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-01 08:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-01 10:45 pm (UTC)Depression nibbles away at lives, I think we all understand that. I hope you're in a safer place now, and that you find your joy.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-02 02:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-02 03:35 am (UTC)I have only in the past couple of weeks attempted to reconnect with my shady IRL past. Course, they're all on Facebook now...
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-01 04:01 am (UTC)Sorry to hear things have not been so good for you, but at least there were some good things, no matter how small they were. Sometimes little bits of good mixed with the bad makes all the difference. It sounds like the breakup you had was a good one, and it's great you were able to take some good lessons from it.
I hear you about depression and issues tainting experiences. I've dealt with depression and other things for a long time as well, and it's hard sometimes to look back and realize how much I isolated myself from others. I think I would have had some more friendships from high school and even college if I hadn't been so cold.
It's good things are looking up though! That's fantastic you have a job you're passionate about. In this economy people often need jobs they don't like to pay the bills, so it's great you like what you do. Living with parents again is also something MANY people are having to do, so there's no shame there, and it's good you get on well with them.
Congrats on the new job, and good luck!